Halloween

Four years ago today Sam was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He was scheduled to be baptized a month earlier but woke up vomiting on the day of his baptism. And so on Halloween Day he was baptized. Before his baptism he had planned on dressing up as Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes", but after he decided that he didn't want to be something bad so he was a lumberjack instead.

Today Grant and I took Sam to the temple for the first time to do proxy baptisms. I loved seeing him there and his excitement to be there. I was excited for him that he could feel the spirit of serving in the house of the Lord. I love that he goes to school right across the street from the temple and now he can join many of the other 7th graders that go together after school!

Remembering and Life's Little Details

First a link I love. It is a video from lds.org called "Moments that Matter Most".  It is cheesy, lovely, sappy and makes me cry every time I watch it. You can find it here.

I don't want to forget the little details of my children and what makes them individual so I guess I ought to write them down as I remember them or experience them:

William prefers to eat lunch/dinner foods for breakfast. He has been known to have turkey sandwiches, lasagna, spaghetti, anything I am making that morning for the kids lunch. He will eat cereal only if he is really in the mood and that is only rarely.

William is very cautious. He will walk his bike down hills even very little ones because he knows he hasn't quite mastered bike riding yet and doesn't want to take a risk.

Lizzie is the delight of Anna's life when she tries to be. On Friday night she helped Anna clean up her room and then they played hospital. Lizzie has the most amazing imagination (it reminds me of Lex and the games she used to direct). They went all out with their imaginative play. About 20 minutes into it William hurt his foot and so we picked him up on a "stretcher" (my old blankie), carried him into Anna's room and put him on the "operating table" which was two little tables put together with a blanket over it, a pillow and a lamp shining on it. I left the room then and when coming back ten minutes later discovered a happy little boy laying on the bed with his foot wrapped in an ace bandage eating "medicine" (smarties).  About five minutes after that Matthew Saxey got whacked on the head by the disc swing and so he was whisked off the the hospital too. He was treated so well (blue scarf head bandage and smarties) that Sam and Andrew Saxey where trying to storm the hospital with their own "injuries".  Lizzie just instinctively knows what children will like and how to make the world interesting for them. I appreciate that talent in her.

Anna and William are our best eaters. They both even like salsa.

Lizzie is asking for a combined birthday/Christmas present. She wants and I pod touch. Sam recently admitted that he didn't want Lizzie to get one because as the only child with an I pad he likes the power he wields of having everyone have to come to him to play games/ listen to music. I liked his honesty.

We carved pumpkins tonight. I loved the sweet enthusiasm and excitement we all felt. William's was a scared pumpkin, Anna's a happy one, Lizzie's was a triangle eyed classic, Sam's was a rocket ship blasting off that didn't turn out how he liked, (I thought it looked fine), Grant's was a big green squash with a curly looking roll shape on top that made it look like it had hair, and Rebecca's was a cute cat. Lizzie kindly donated her second small pumpkin to Sam so he could try again. I was remembering the time many years ago when Isaiah was living with us before his mission and we carved pumpkins. I was newly pregnant with William and our family was so much smaller! Isaiah always made every activity so much fun. I was thankful tonight that Rebecca is here. Whenever we have one of our extended family living with us it adds so much richness to our lives.

Yesterday was a glorious, fall day. We took the kids and dogs on a hike up the Horsetail Falls trail. Sam brought a chisel and his rock hounding hammer that has a very sharp spike on one side. He was swinging away at a rock and ricocheted off it and sent that pointy end right into his shin. He made an interesting hole in his shin that bled like crazy. He is still in some pain but I think he will be ok. Too bad he has basketball tryouts this week.

Last night Grant and I had a great date. We went to Happy Sumo - one of my all time favorite restaurants and talked. We had some decisions to make:

1) Should we spend any more money on treating Charlie's health problems. (He has had awful skin issues and has almost died twice from a staph infection.) Or should we just put him down?

2) Should we buy season ski passes? Or should we even ski at all?

3) Should we buy a gun to have with our 72 hour kits? We decided against it - I don't think I'd be able to take down that moose if we are starving anyway! And neither of us are really gun people.

4) How do we go about having a budgeting discussion with our children? And how to include them in some of our efforts to economize? How much financial information to give them?

I appreciate that Grant and I can peaceably make decisions together. Big and little ones.  I'm sure we have some bigger ones coming up in the future. The Charlie question is surprisingly big for me and very emotional. I think I would feel both sorrow and relief if we had to put him down. But we will cross that bridge when we get there I guess. We decided to do one more test for him and if the treatment isn't too bad we will go ahead with that.

One last thing. Recently I heard an interview on NPR with the author of the book, "The Mushroom Hunters: On the Trail of an Underground America".  The author's name is Langdon Cook. He made  mushroom hunting and wild food foraging sound so appealing that I just wanted to take our kids and go live in the forest together and search for roots, berries, leaves and fungi for our sustenance.  Then I remembered that our children wouldn't touch a mushroom with a ten foot pole and decided that that will be for when Grant and I are retired empty-nesters.  I swear there are twenty different people inside of me who want twenty different lives. I'm not worried so long as none of the other 19 people start talking to me.

Tending Roses

I recently read a beautiful book called "Tending Roses" by Lisa Wingate. In it a grandmother is writing to her granddaughter. This is one of her letters:

"An old woman told me she wanted the gardens cleaned around her house, and if I would do the work I might have flower bulbs and starts of roses as my pay. My husband pretended to think the idea rather foolish as I was needed on the farm, but he was patient with me as I worked throught the early spring, cleaning gardens and moving starts to a newly tilled bed by our farmhouse.  He was older than I, and I think he understood that I needed something of my own.

Those roses were the finest things I had been given in my life, and I tended them carefully all spring.  As the days lengthened, the roses grew well and blossomed in the summer heat, as did I.  Coming in and out of the house, I would look at them -- something that belonged to me, growing in soil that belonged to him.

Even passing folk admired my roses, for my work made the blooms large and full.  Once, a poor hired lady came with a bouquet of roses and wildflowers clasped in her hands.  She told me that her children had sneaked into my garden and picked them for her, and that they would be punished.  I bade her not to scold the children, for I was proud to give them this gift.  She smiled, and thanked me, and told me that, with so many children, she had no time for tending roses.

I did not understand her words until my own children were born.  When the first was a babe, I took her outside and let her play in an empty wash barrel so I could have time for tending my roses.  I was often cross with her cries while I was at my work.  As she grew, and as my second child was born, I understood what the hired lady had told me -- that motherhood leaves no time for selfish pleasures.  Only time for tending others.

My roses grew wild and died as I busied myself with feeding and diapering, nursery rhymes and sickbeds.  I missed those bright blooms that had been mine and felt it unfair that I must leave my hard work there to die.  But I did not think of it overmuch.  My mind and heart were occupied with the sorrows and joys of motherhood. 

The day came, it seemed in no time, when my children were grown and gone, and I again found time to tend the roses.  I could labor over them from dawn until dusk with no children to feed, no husband needing meals, and few passerby on the old road.  My flowers have come thick and full and beautiful again.  From time to time, I see neighbor children come to pick them when I am silent in my house.  I close my eyes and listen to their laughter, and I think that the best times of my life, the times that passed by me the most quickly, were the times when the roses grew wild."

Ode To Sam

Today Sam played with the Utah Valley Symphony at the Covey Center for the Arts. It was such a joy to watch. He was so poised and competent. Too bad I was using an I-pad to film it and had a bit of a shaky hand, not to mention Anna dropping her plastic horses on the floor at the same time!

So while we are on the subject of Sam, I will now take the time to do his Birthday tribute (first time not in my journal) - not quite a month late!

Sam Is Twelve!

Our First Snuggle

Journal entry from 18 September 2001: "OUR BOY IS BORN! He was born at 2:14 pm. He is an angel. I am smitten. I love him so much. I love his father more than ever.  I can no longer imagine our life without him (Sam).  I feel as if I have always known him."

A month later (twelve years ago this week) I wrote: "Sammy really enjoys walks. He looks around wide-eyed for a little while and then he falls asleep and sleeps very soundly. (I've considered a walk as a way to put him to sleep during the nights.) He is actually quite easy during the night- no fussing, really he just wants to eat, have his diaper changed and a little snuggle time. We mostly sleep the night away in the reclining chair in his room but Grant and I are trying to get him to sleep more in his crib.  He hasn't much liked it in the past.

He has very large, beautiful deep blue eyes which could change of course (the color, not the largeness). One of the things I love most about him is his eyes.  I love how when I am holding him he seems to gaze into my heart as his eyes lock onto mine.  He spends so much time looking up at me it endears me to him more and more with every glance."

Now, what is Sam (no longer Sammy) like at 12? He still has a depth of soul and understanding that surprises me all of the time. He is a good balance of fun and zest for life and soberness. He is trying to learn when the appropriate times for sobriety and zealousness are. He received the Aaronic Priesthood on September 28th and it has been wonderful to see him settling into his priesthood responsibilities with devotion and joy.

As for his talents, Sam is naturally pretty good at just about everything he tries. Sometimes to his detriment. He thrives in situations when he is really challenged. Also, when left to his own devices, he has the very natural inclination to take the path of least resistance. However, I am very proud of his willingness to try things that are hard when he has enough encouragement from teachers, coaches, leaders, parents. (The Telemann piece is a good example of Mrs. Willey challenging him to try and him really working toward something.) One of Sam's greatest talents is his ability and desire to learn. He has a brilliant mind and a thirst for knowledge. His favorite subject is science. He wants to be a Chemical Engineer when he grows up. He reads books about science for fun and is trying to memorize Tom Lehrer's "The Elements" song which can be found here. He also likes to read fiction, "The Heroes of Olympus" by Rick Riordan being an example of one he has lately enjoyed. He is a voracious reader as well as a sneaky one. I often find him reading by flashlight until late at night.

Sam SLEDDING down the ditches in Alpine during a big storm

He is very athletic, and enjoys basketball and running and messing around in the backyard or playground playing soccer or kickball. He isn't very aggressive on the court, but does have a healthy dose of competitiveness.

Discovering the joy of being FAST!

Sam loves fun and is a very entertaining boy. He has a boisterous laugh that keeps us all laughing. He can be a dream of a brother for Lizzie, William and Anna, providing them with hours of entertainment. He is really trying to get over his teasing habit, which we all appreciate and with which he has varying levels of success depending on his mood. He is super conscientious and seeks approval (mostly from Grant). We want him to always understand that he doesn't have to prove anything to win our love, but teaching that lesson isn't always easy! How do you teach a child that while you disapprove of their actions you don't disapprove of them? (A post for another day I guess.) He is also very determined and has an amazing amount of self control. Six months ago Grant and I gave him an I-pad as a reward for him going without sugar for one year! 

Sam is very good around older people. Our church congregation has a large population of elderly people who have been very attentive and kind to him. One couple, Daryl and Wynette Card just moved to an assisted living home and donated their entire rock collection to Sam. He has buckets of rocks everywhere in his room! (Poor William.) He had visited Brother Card a few times to look at his collection and talk rocks! Another older woman, Diana Pitcher invited Sam over to look at her late husband's collection of dinosaur bones, and anthropological specimens from all over the world, then later accepted his invitation to come over and look at his own collections. I cannot express how grateful I am to these wonderful people who love and encourage him.

Cuddling with a knife?

Sam loves rocks more than meat

Sam loves meat almost as much as he loves his mother

Speaking of collections, Sam collects to following in order of passion: Lasers, magnets, rocks, science books, knives, flashlights, other kinds of books and lastly seashells. Thankfully with all these collections he is a very tidy fellow. He loves order as much as his dad does.

Sometimes we both feel like he is growing up too fast!

Sam it is a joy to be your mother. Thank you for the gift of YOU! Thank you for being so full of love and life. Dad and I thank God every day that we have the privilege of being your parents. Thank you for the example you are for your younger siblings (except when you have to get a flu shot!). We know that being the oldest child isn't easy and we are grateful for your patience as we learn how be parents.  Thank you for your testimony and for being true to your conscience. Thank you for your laugh and the light that I saw in your eyes as a baby that is still there. I can't believe you are twelve! Happy (late) Birthday sweet boy. Thanks for not being too old to say, "Hold You!" We love you. We love you. We love you!

 Sam through the years: 

Sam at One (In a box, reading)

2 years old

3 Years Old

4 Years Old

5 Years Old

6 Years Old

7 Years Old

8 Years Old

31 October 2008, Baptism

9 Years Old

10 Years Old

11 Years Old

Family Pictures Today

The red shoes were a must for Anna. The canyon was stunning. Rebecca was patient and kind to take pictures. The children were reluctantly cooperative. (Except for Lizzie and Anna who quite enjoyed it.)

And the photos that wont make it into the Christmas card

 

 

Can I Do Hard Things?

Once every three months or so I have a couple days where I want to just "quit everything". By quitting everything I mean, all the extra-curricular things in which we are all involved, not the essentials. The stresses of practicing, nagging, driving, driving, driving, attending lessons, paying for lessons, trying to find time for it all, being a cheerful, encouraging mother who gives positive reinforcement when really I want to say something disparaging about Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (I would perfectly satisfied if I never heard that song again), and just being consistent is the hardest thing of all for me. I am the one who can never finish an antibiotic because that requires being consistent for TEN WHOLE DAYS. Prenatal vitamins? I was actually relieved when my OB would tell me not to waste my time taking it because I would just throw it up anyway, at least then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about every time I forgot. 

   I am the queen of doing things in spurts. It is General Conference time again and I know that I will feel the fire of the spirit of change and for a couple of days, ok, maybe a week I might actually make some changes but sooner or later I will go back to my same old self, plodding along (hopefully toward perfection). My house work follows the same pattern of devotion and disdain as does laundry, weeding, budgeting.

   I so appreciate how encouraging my parents were in letting me try whatever I wanted to try. I played the flute for six months, the piano for two years (and never practiced a day of those two years), singing lessons for three months and played the harmonica on and off for a year. I took ice skating lessons, ballet, ski school, tennis lessons, played volleyball, softball, and basketball. I took art and ceramics lessons. I pursued mountain biking, rock climbing, mountaineering, rollerblading (including roller-hockey), and telemark skiing. 

   So what did all of this do for me? It showed me that the world is an exciting and interesting place. I have wonderful and exciting memories. I guess it made me fairly well- rounded. However, sometimes I wonder how I would be different if I had been made to stick to something and be consistent. Maybe I would be a better, more patient mother with my own children as they strive to develop their own talents. How could I ever possibly choose which part of me I would take out because I would adopt consistency instead? If all of my time had been spent practicing and excelling at say, the piano, that certainly would not have left time for me to enjoy all the other things I got to try and which became a part of me?

  So my questions are:

1) How do I develop consistency and even celebrate it?

2) How do I survive these few days when I just want to "quit everything"?
3) Is our life better because of the things in which we are involved, all these extra-curricular activities?
  I don't have the answer to the first two but I have to believe that our life is better because of them. I am giving our children something that is theirs forever. I am giving them a sense of identity. I hope that our children's talents will be a comfort to them in their teenage years and as adults. I am giving them an easier time when they are parents in the position of helping their own children practice. Another good thing is we have a lot of time to talk in the car. (It is true that some of the time I am stressed, or running late, or lecturing- but often we have meaningful connections).
   On the other hand, wouldn't life still be rewarding if we just laid in the grass and counted clouds? Wouldn't I be giving our children an even greater gift if I taught them to be comfortable in being still? In meditating? Maybe even if we didn't do all of these things it just isn't in me to know how to be still.  Maybe that is a skill best developed when our life is so frenetic. If we took all these things out of our life perhaps we would not fill them with peaceful, meaningful endeavors but in mindless activities like watching movies or playing video games.
   In writing all this and in some of the reading and studying I have done I think I know the answer to the the first two questions. I think the way to develop consistency is to practice it. It may take me a whole lifetime but each time I am consistent maybe it gets easier? Maybe slow plodding progress toward perfection is good enough. This is not a race against anyone else, or even myself! I would never get to perfection either swiftly or slowly without my Savior anyway. (I feel like I am giving myself a pep talk!)
  How do I celebrate the mundane, the schedules, the driving? How do I get through the days where I feel overwhelmed and worn out? I noticed as I pondered this question that the days when it all seems like too much are a culmination of a few weeks of lackadaisical attempts at scripture study, and a shortage of quiet, contemplative connecting with my Father in Heaven. Ironically this answer came to me in part during Lizzie's cello lesson last night. Her teacher, Kayson Brown told her that playing in tune blesses her music in ways that she may never comprehend. It creates resonance and beauty that will fill her soul and her performances and then he likened that to being in tune with the spirit of God. He said that being in tune to the spirit blesses you in more than just giving one direction in choosing between right and wrong, it will fill her life with resonance and beauty. And I will add balance. It is essential for my sanity and well being that I take that quiet time each day.
   So when do I do it? (There is that consistency problem again!) I can't get up early and do it before the kids get up because I could never stay awake as we are already up at 6 am or earlier depending on the day. I guess I need to just not feel bad about putting on a movie for Anna and just do it as soon as the children go to school. Maybe I should do it before I dive in to my projects and before I turn on my computer, cause clearly my compulsory few verses before I drop off to sleep isn't cutting it for my sanity and spiritual health!
   Can I do hard things? Yes. I have the faith that I can (pep talk again), but not alone.  Should we be doing these hard things? And are we doing them for the right reasons? I think yes. But I will reserve the right to always re-evaluate. Maybe my three month cycle of wanting to "quit everything" is actually a safeguard against life imbalance. And now I will quit this post because I need my sleep or I will definitely NOT be balanced tomorrow!

What a Thrill!

I took Sam and his friend Emily to a rehearsal with the Symphony tonight. The child viola players practiced their piece "Telemann" together which sounded AMAZING, then joined the symphony. It must have been an amazing feeling for those young kids to be part of that, to have all of those older, more experienced players accompanying them! It gave me great joy just watching.